Get Paid $30,000 to Have Three Kids!

Coming from a two child family, I was always amazed by large families. My best friend from childhood was eventually to become the eldest out of nine. The elder children were expected to help their parents in caring for their younger siblings and were responsible for household chores. The children grew up to possess exceptional tolerance and consideration and awareness of other people. One of the most incredible thing about this family was (and still is) the depth of the love for each and every child, and how carefully each child was raised to be caring, generous, responsible, and kind people. Although issues of overpopulation and dwindling resources fuel many debates against prolific childbearing, this amazing family shows another form of action and awareness. Which is the more responsible action? To be childless by choice or by sacrifice? Or to raise conscientious, educated, thoughtful, and engaged children. I don’t have an answer that is appropriate for all, but in most things, a balance is most likely the most appropriate solution.

As we travel, one of the first questions that people ask are, “do you have children?” Depending on where we are, our reply generates a variety of responses.

In China, where overpopulation is a major concern, many couples are allowed to have only one child. Exceptions are made for rural areas (when the child is a girl), ethnic minorities, and when parents have a child illegally (without the official papers that are mandatory for school enrollment, health care, etc), or when they pay a large fine to have another. I think that families who adopt the orphaned children of relatives are exempt from this law, as are families whose sole child dies before the age of eighteen. Twins are allowed.

cousins in Yangshuo, China

As a result of the restrictions on children, China is absolutely child crazy. Huge theme parks and playgrounds and toy stores and baby clothing shops are clear indications of how spoiled Chinese children are. They are overly cherished, but with just reasons…can you understand why?

Once past the age of menstruation, Chinese women are required to visit a doctor every three months. If at the time of the visit, they are found to be pregnant, they are heavily encouraged to have an abortion. Whether or not the woman is pregnant, she is heavily pressured to use birth control. When we told the Chinese that we didn’t have children, they were confused and hurt. Why wouldn’t a healthy couple, with obvious wealth, and no laws on childbearing, be bereft of children? It may have been a slap in the face.

In Ethiopia, we met large families with many children. Ethiopia still has a large agricultural and animal-raising culture; many hands make lighter work. I was amazed to see a three-year old shepherds, striding across a vast plain at the heels of immense and bright white cows with broad horns, occasionally whacking them with a stick. Children in Ethiopia (as well as in many other cultures) possess remarkable self-confidence and self-assurance - they are conscious of their valued role in the family.

a village of friends in Kemba, Ethiopia

There are several places in the world where overpopulation is not a concern; actually, the opposite is true. Population decline is impacting Japan, Russia, most of eastern Europe, and Italy. Other countries are not far behind. The incentives offered by the government in some of these countries is astounding. The Republic of Singapore offers parents $3,000 for the first child, $9,000 in cash and savings for the second; and up to $18,000 each for the third and fourth!

In India, the gender gap is immense. Sex-selective abortion, as well as female infanticide are critical issues that will continue to impact the population of India, and have created a huge population of missing women in Asia. boys do not require an expensive dowry to be paid out, nor do they leave the family to live with the in-laws. I couldn’t say that the worth of children is lessened in India than in other cultures; however, with a very large population, extreme poverty, low standards of health and cleanliness, life is more tenuous in India. Estimates predict that by 2020, there could be an excess of 25 million men in India, instead of a natural, biological gender balance. Similar estimates are predicted for China.

students from a girls school in Ahmednagar, India

I have a good friend who has made a choice not to have children; she feels that in this modern world, it is the most responsible decision. I appreciate her candor and honesty and recognition of how privileged she is to be able to see children as a choice, rather than a necessity or obligation or powerless consequence. Perhaps not the right decision for all, but ask yourself: do I have the power and the right to make that decision? Could I make that decision out of sacrifice? Not all people reading this blog can answer yes. Think on that and read more about Childfree by Choice.

Other topics that will not be covered in this (already lengthy) blog are: discrimination against women/couples who choose not to have children; adoption; same-sex parenting; late life parenting; etc. Too many topics for one amateur blogger. I only write what I have learned and deduced from my own life and travels. But feel free to share your links or thoughts and add additional information as applicable.

I hope that this blog has given you a chance to think and reflect on your own positions of children. Each person is entitled to their own views and beliefs, but I believe greatly in the power of perspective.

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Encountering Poverty while Traveling or as a Tourist

Poverty is just what you imagine if you see Ethiopia from the most common western perspective or media. Poverty is pervasive here. Throughout our travels, we refuse to give money to children, adults, or anyone else who approaches us begging for monetary gifts. But we do try to carry around food as gifts. What can we do to have a real impact?

The easiest gift you are brought up with is money: it’s simple, it’s easy, and really, what’s a birr to us (less than 10 cents). And when you can obtain gratitude and a smile for only 10 cents, why not? Because money comes with responsibility, and by distributing cash, one contributes to the cycle of bad tourism. Is it responsible to hand out money to children? As soon as you do, their behavior is reinforced, and their actions continue. They come to expect that every foreigner they meet will give them money. They spend their time on the streets asking for money, rather than going to school, spending time with their families, or learning sustainable and valuable skills that might someday allow them to be successful and independent people. This just doesn’t seem fair; it doesn‘t seem that money is much of a gift after all. Giving money is not really giving at all, it’s taking. While traveling in impoverished lands, it’s hard to determine how individuals can help. From our experience, cash is seldom a help. When you donate cash, you must be responsible; you must do research and determine that your donation is going to an organization that is truly helping to alleviate poverty not reinforce it.

While in Ethiopia, I have been amazed at the effects of foreign tourism. Children in Ethiopia know two words: “You,” and “Money.” I have watched beautiful children skipping down the street with their friends, all smiles and laughter. The moment they see us, a performance begins. Happy faces disappear and are replaced by sadness and desperation and pleas for money. It’s an act, and it must work on many foreigners, otherwise they wouldn’t try. We shake hands with them and talk with them and tell them that our friendship is free. But no money.

People like to help. Often times they help because of their innate kindness; sometimes they help because other people are watching. Sometimes their help has not a shred of altruism and exists only for personal gain. But how do we make our donations last? Donating resources is a huge responsibility, not to be taken lightly, for without thought, cash donation can be detrimental. It may cause waste and new suffering. It can perpetuate cycles of corrupt bureaucracies that do not truly provide the assistance being declared.

There is good help, and there is bad help. There is help that is lasting and sustainable, and there is help that is simply a quick-fix. There is help that has wellbeing of beneficiaries as the foremost tenet, there is help that seems to lose the good intentions along the way.

We have created a note which we hand out notes for begging or speak English. “Do not become dependent on foreign toursitm ($).” it reads, “work hard fro yourself. Build Confidence and freedom. We will not give money to children who beg in the street. But we give you our friendship and friendship is precious. Free Africa. Ras.” Children are surprised by our notes. They take them as they are, as gifts. Many times they respond quickly having gotten some jist. Some ask, “What is this?” “It is a note to help you practice your English And it has messages which we use to make us stronger. You are welcome to keep it or give it back.” I instruct them. They have all kept it affectionately.

But it is a challenge to find ways of helping that are positive, especially as an individual. How do you help people? Perhaps you have experiences that can help us and others to give in positive ways? 

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